all the sorrows I have seen
by The Crownless Queen
Summary: "Sirius, I'm scared." :: Past and present mix, and Sirius thinks.


Written for Hogwarts' Hot Air Balloon Day: (Spell) Episkey, Notable Witches and Wizards Assignment: Task #4: Write about someone being so opposed to something that they hurt or kill a member of their family.

Also for the Writing Club - Character Appreciation: (character) Regulus Black, Disney Challenge: Guilt - Write about someone feeling guilty, Showtime: Take What You Get - (dialogue) "You can't move on if you're still in the past.", Lyric Alley: Unsure of what are my dreams it seems, Ami's Audio Admirations: 5.0 It's really good. Fact. — Write about someone loving something/someone, Em's Emporium: Scorpius Malfoy: Write a fanon pairing, Lo's Lowdown: "A lie is a very poor way to say hello.", for Days of the Year: June 8 2018 - Best Friend's Day: Write a fic for one of you best fanfiction friends, Color Prmpts: Amber, Elemental - Fire: (word) Dry, Shay's Musical Challenge: RENT - Write about a slash couple, Gryffindor Challenge: Remus Lupin, (colour) Scarlet, Faerie Day: Air fairy: open, Water Fairy: tears, Fire Fairy: wild, Earth Fairy: grounded, Natura Fairy: berries, Animal Fairy: Big, Spring Fairy: new, Summer Fairy: pool, Autumn Fairy: early, Winter Fairy: cold, Debate Club: Debate 4 - Slash: Wolfstar.

 _Word count:_ 1663

 _ **all the sorrows I have seen**_

 _The room is dark. The only light comes from a sliver of moonlight filtering through closed blinds, highlighting dust particles dancing in the air._

 _On a bed too big for any one person to lay on, two dark-haired children huddle together._

 _Downstairs, their parents argue, their loud voices carrying even through closed doors and thick walls._

" _Sirius, I'm scared."_

 _Putting on a brave face, Sirius cheerfully replies, "Don't be! I'm here. I'll always protect you, you know that." He pulls Regulus closer. "I swear."_

With a loud gasp, Sirius springs up from his bed, the last remnant of that memory still clinging to his mind. His back is drenched with cold sweat and his eyes prickle with tears unshed that he forces himself to blink away.

And maybe that's why his eyes drift to the side like he expects to see someone there, Regulus' name on the tip of his tongue. But those ghosts dispel, and Remus' worried, sleepy face blinks up at him.

"Wha's goin' on?" Remus mumbles through a yawn.

"Nothing," Sirius replies softly despite the way his heart has gone wild, racing in his chest. He's unable to fight back a fond smile at his boyfriend's adorable state. "Go back to sleep. Sorry I woke you up."

Remus nods, pressing a soft kiss against Sirius' skin before drifting back into his own dreams.

(Here's the thing Sirius refuses to think about anymore: he had a brother once, whom he loved.

Here's the thing he refuses to admit: he still does.)

"I'm fine," he whispers into the darkness.

The darkness doesn't answer, and Sirius doesn't fall back to sleep.

At breakfast, he stays quiet, eyes riveted to his coffee cup like it holds the answers to every mystery in the universe. He barely tastes the berries he snacks on — Remus likes to put them in pancakes, which are pretty much the only thing he knows how to cook properly, but Sirius prefers them fresh.

No one else is up yet — the kids enjoy sleeping in as all teenagers do and it's too early by everyone else's standards, even Molly's, who likes to wake up as soon as the sun rises so she can have food ready by the time everyone else is up.

But Sirius hasn't slept since maybe two am, and Remus has always been — and frustratingly so — a morning person, and so they get to enjoy the kitchen to themselves for a little while.

Remus reaches out, taking his hand over the table, tangling their fingers together. His thumb caresses the back of Sirius' hand softly, but try as he might, it fails to bring more than the ghost of a smile to Sirius' lips. It does make his heart swell though, makes him feel more grounded.

"Are you alright?" Remus finally asks, amber eyes shining with worry.

"I'm fine." It doesn't sound any more convincing now than it had earlier. Evidently, Remus thinks so too.

"A lie is a very poor way to say hello." Remus stares at him dryly, sipping his tea. "You don't look fine. What happened?"

Sirius sighs and lets go of his coffee to run a hand through his hair. His eyes drift away, looking past Remus and the kitchen and toward the living-room he can half see through the open door at Remus' back.

"I'm fine," he repeats. "Nothing happened. It's just… Being here, it brings back memories."

He had told Harry about Regulus yesterday, he remembers. Shown him the tapestry and told him how his little brother had died an idiot, because Regulus had been a Death Eater, the good dog his parents had raised him to be.

Regulus' soulful grey eyes flashed in his mind again and Sirius downed the last of his bitter and tepid coffee, washing away the vision as fast as he could.

He slams the empty cup too hard on the table and it shatters, the sharp porcelain biting deep into his palm. His blood wells up scarlet red.

He curses and moves his hand above the table. The wound stings and he hisses as he pulls out a shard stuck in the wound.

"Don't move," Remus says. His face is very pale, but his hold on his wand is steady. " _Episkey_." The tip of the wand glows wide and Sirius watches as his wound slowly stitches itself back together, until the only evidence that it was ever there is the blood, still pooled up and warm on his skin.

Another spell has the spell vanishing too, and Sirius clenches his hand into a fist slowly. It barely aches, the slight tingle spreading through his nerves closer to the memory of pain than to the pain itself.

"Thanks." He smiles at Remus, who rolls his eyes back at him fondly.

"Don't mention it." Remus looks at the blood-stained cup thoughtfully, but he ends up shaking his head and vanishing it as well.

Sirius chuckles. "We're going to have to get a new set now. And Kreacher's going to kill you — I think that might have been my mother's favorite."

Remus smirks. "I know." He doesn't say that this is why he did it, but it's written all over his face. He sobers up. "But you can't tell me you're fine now. Not when this just happened."

Sirius sighs and looks down. "I know, I know. It's just…" Regulus' betrayed face flashes before him again, and he closes his eyes. "Do you… Do you remember my brother?"

"I assume you're not talking about James?" Remus asks, frowning.

Sirius shakes his head, tasting bile at the back of his throat. "No."

"Then I'm sorry, but not really. His name was…"

"Regulus. His name was Regulus." Somehow, it hurts to know that he talked about his brother so little that the man he loves barely remembers his name. He swallows. "I had a dream about him last night. Well, a memory, actually."

Remus stays silent, amber eyes watching him gently.

Sirius smiles, bittersweet. "Did you know that I told him I'd always protect him? What a fine job I did of that." He scoffs. "I tried to get him to come with me. Did you know that? When I left this place and went to James' parents, I tried to ask him to come with me, to leave this accursed place and this cursed family behind!"

"And he said no."

Remus' compassionate answer steals the wind right out of his wings, his anger falling flat. "And he said no," he repeats, a bitter laugh slipping through his lips. "He looked like… It was like he couldn't even understand why I'd ask."

Regulus had looked so betrayed then, like Sirius was the one hurting him by asking instead of him hurting Sirius by refusing. "You're leaving," he had said, their mother's sneer on his face. "I didn't take you for a coward — aren't you supposed to be the brave lion?"

And it had all seemed so simple back then. Of course, Regulus wanted to stay. Of course, he loved it there.

Of course, he believed in the Dark Lord and would join his ranks.

(Of course, Sirius would never see him again.)

But today, with that childhood memory still so fresh in his mind, with years of Azkaban to think about his failures, Sirius wonders if maybe he hadn't been too hasty in his judgment.

If maybe he couldn't have done more… If he couldn't have saved Regulus, had he been a little more careful with his words.

"I hurt him, I think," he says out loud, dragging his mind back to the present. "I screwed up, like I always do, and I hurt him. But I just —" he looks at Remus pleadingly, begging him to understand "- I just couldn't stay."

"I know. You did the best you could."

"And it still wasn't enough," Sirius finishes in a whisper. He closes his eyes tightly. "Why is it never enough?"

He's not talking about just Regulus anymore, no. Where the ghost of Regulus stood, there is another ghost now, another brother he's failed. James.

Remus' hand closes over his, its weight a comforting warmth. "Sometimes, things don't work out the way we want them to. But Sirius, that doesn't make them our fault — that's just life. And it goes on, for as long as we're alive." Remus smiles, bittersweet. "But you can't _move on_ if you're still in the past."

Sirius looks down at Remus' hand, scarred and pale over his. "I…" He licks his lips. "I don't think I can do that."

Remus shakes his head. "Of course, you can." His amber eyes soften, shining almost like gold. "You can do anything, Sirius. I know you can. But you have to forgive yourself. What happened to your brother wasn't your fault, just like what happened to James wasn't your fault either."

It is hard not to feel better faced with Remus' relentless faith in him, and yet, part of Sirius still hangs on into his insecurities.

There was no way he could have known about Peter — he's heard this enough times, from enough people, to maybe start to believe that — but what happened with Regulus is different.

With Regulus, Sirius had known leaving would mean his brother would end up alone, and probably follow their parents in their worship of the Dark Lord.

He had known that, and he had still left.

And now his brother is dead — has been dead for more than a decade, dead before the last war even ended — and it feels like Sirius is only now realizing it.

So he does the only thing he feels like he can do right now.

He smiles back at Remus, heart warmed by his concern but soul chilled by his own ghosts, and he lies. "I'll try," he says.

And maybe one day that'll be true, but today, it's not.


End file.
